I learned: I am alive and G-d has gifted me many privileges and yet I’m imperfect and have to face my liabilities, honestly, too.
I learned how easily I’m over stimulated and lose touch with my own ‘ground’ when I’m among others. That I tune in so well to others, empathy as a blessing and difficulty….and in ways I’m not aware, I adjust to what I imagine is their energy/wishes/needs. I lose touch with myself in the process.
Now things have slowed down. And the pace suits me so very much better! What has surprised me is how very much I need quiet and alone time.
And seeing my therapy patients via telehealth doesn’t detract from our work, and, in fact, it is more of an intimacy to be in their homes. It provides opportunities for them to show me their space or sometimes to be accidentally interrupted in a way that is good to see and share.
I learned I tend to worry and flog myself irrationally that I’m not going to be able to finish tasks in front of me. I lose the journey and process because I feel pressured to get to the end. Now, I tell myself to take as much time as I need!
I realized how patriotic I am and how much protecting our fragile democracy means to me. It’s been a huge challenge to manage all of the news each day which get me so angry for the injustice. I’ve gone through some months of real sadness.
But then I asked myself what is called for…what is most important for me l, in these times? And I realized that so very much is outside my control, the racism and greed and corruption and ethics violations, all the spreading ‘wildfires’ consuming us. The most genuine response for me is to turn to prayer, and to remember that to hold onto hope is a virtue and part of my Jewish legacy.
I’ve spent many hours early in the pandemic creating an extensive family tree and seeing my personal life in the context of my family’s history and my ancestors hard lives and traumas and wondrous survival.There is much trauma in this story. I came to be kinder toward myself and to own and face the layers of trauma in my history and in our current dark circumstances.
And as the Rabbi said in his sermon, one of our jobs is to keep hope alive. As Jews. And I’d been thinking since I turned the corner and limited my exposure to daily news stories, that I believe deeply in the goodness of my fellow man and the unbounded and eternal goodness of G-d. I began to feel as if my lifetime is so very short in the scheme of history and in the scale of our Jewish people. We’ve been through such darkness and worse…over and over.
But if I could work on strengthening my faith, I’d have the capacity to help my family and my re-traumatized friends and patients. There are no answers, only faith in goodness. There will come a time when all of the multitude of points of lights in this nation and around the world can join to bring lightness back y to o the center of the world and creation. It’s not mine to say when. And it may not conform to my lifetime. And my other job is to lengthen my exhalations!
Also, we’ve raised a wise and kind daughter grounded in strong Jewish values and in Jerusalem right now on a gap year, and I believe in her: Danya and her generation will work tirelessly to re-establish the balance in the world, to work toward justice and equity, and to block corruption and hatred. Yes, these are the darkest times in my lifetime. But now I believe: We’ve got this! Adonai is with us!
Hallelujah!
